You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
