I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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