If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i out mim tonsoeep
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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