Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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