Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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