My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
