oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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