He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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