dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
