I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
