I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
