he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize