i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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