puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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