im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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