My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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