I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just gargled with NyQuil
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
