I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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