Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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