And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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