Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Randomize