Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
