I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
