I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
