I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Couch. On fire.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
