So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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