: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
