if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Your face is a jimmy john
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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