i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
