I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
