he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
