Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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