The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
