I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
