it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Randomize
