why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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