This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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