If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
