Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
