In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
