me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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