and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize