I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
