she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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