I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
