We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
