having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
