At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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