got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
