I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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