take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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