Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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