Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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