am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
