this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
