why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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