life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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