i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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