there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
