proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
