I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
