I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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