I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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